Day Six

Chasing the sunset. 

Driving up and down the hilly countryside out in the apple orchards. 

I was too impatient to climb the hill in town and sit and wait for the show. 

She crept nearer the horizon.

I took chase, I didn't know of a place that would quite open up enough to see the sun go down,

just followed my heart.

I kept driving.

The sun sank lower, still no clearing.

I looked to the south, at the cotton candy pink clouds, and the green hills.

There is something I love about the round bales and the sweet smell of hay.

The birds bid me to snap quickly...shoot!

I didn't look at my camera settings...

 I got lucky.

A lesson in patience, and being open to the journey.

I wanted the sunset,

but what I got was her love reflected.

Random acts of Love

I'm still amazed at this story in it's wholeness... how my path is coming together...so full of love and gratitude.

Last week my amazing friend Aaron (for some reason it's hard for me to call him Dr. unless its followed by buttface...lol I'm obviously never growing up! So I can check that off the bucket list!) has a Patient Appreciation event planned for his Chiropractic patients (Apex Chiropractic) where he's going to have a few vendors and snacks and chair massage then later a dinner at a local restaurant (Wisconsin Street Cafe & Bakery). But he doesn't have a therapist to do the massage, so of course instantly I say, "I can probably do it...but we need a chair." It just so happens that his open hours worked right around my class yesterday, perfect! Also another syncronicity...I had just learned chair massage last Thursday, talk about perfect timing! And they found a chair!

I was getting a bit nervous we had practiced four 15 min chair massages in a row on Thursday night and I could definitely feel they were more taxing than a regular massage on fingers and fore arms, and now I had two shifts where I could be doing chair massage for hours in a row... It's like learning to run on Thursday and then running a half marathon on Monday! Ok, not that bad ;)

The patients were amazing, I was a little nervous for the first one as my chair massage routine sheet got to go home with someone else on Thursday night... I remembered enough to leave people with sleepy relaxed faces when they got up :) ❤ Everyone was so gracious I felt rich in kindness and appreciation. I loved hearing the relaxed tones and slowed pace of their voices when they were talking to me. Some had never had a massage. There was a trio of patients that I connected with and I told Aaron on our way to the Appreciation dinner. I was exhausted sitting by myself at a little table just enjoying the sounds and faces around me and in walks the trio from earlier in the day, Kirby, Mary Lou and Wayne. One of them said to me that I didn't have to sit in the corner by myself, so I followed them up to a table and plopped right down.

To summarize our conversations we were preaching to our own choirs! We talked about me and massage school, how we have a respect for money and realize it's usefulness but don't place much value on it, how much we love connecting with people and helping make things really anything better, and smiling. Kirby said he is drawn to talk to people by their smiles, and Wayne had mentioned something about seeing a creative spark in my eyes, and Mary Lou she was just sweet as heck!

Amongst the talking we got to hear Aaron talk about some of the successes of the the patients who did the 30 day Maximized Living Challenge. In particular a 61 year old man lost 20 pounds and reduced his tryglycerides by astonishing amounts like 290s down to 192 or 92.. and even lowered 20 points in regards to his diabetes, all by changing his diet and exercising! Amazing!

I was feeling so full of love, my arms were heavy and tired I was feeling sleepy and inspired. I always love hearing Aaron talk about the spine and wellness I felt the love he was sharing. I also felt the love from my new trio of friends. I have a hard time describing it other than we all just connected, lovers of life and lovers of sharing that love! You know how you just feel connected to some people, these were my people. I was so grateful just to be around them but Wayne saw something in me or felt he had something to offer. I caught him out of the corner of my eye writing a check...I got nervous and almost thought please don't I hope thats not for me...I have a hard time accepting money, even from my parents unless its my birthday or a holiday.

He slid it near me, I didn't touch it until it was time to go and he said, "Don't forget that." I took it and folded it in half and stuck it in my purse without looking at it. I didn't care if it said 4 cents or 40 dollars. The fact that he wanted to give me something was beautiful, I would have been thrilled if he'd given me a rock. I would however have a problem if it was an exorbitant amount. It wasn't exorbitant though was much more than I thought. I stepped out to use the restroom and came back and gave all three of them a hug, and told Wayne his gift would go directly toward school.

I was amazed, so much love just flowing in and out and around. Those three are trouble, but the good kind, the kid you want to be in :) Three perfect strangers, who are not strangers at all, universal love.

 A poem from a favorite book The Moon Appears When the Water is Still

"A wise saint once said,

"As ye sow, so shall ye reap."

If we plant seeds of anger, jealousy or hatred

we will harvest only weeds of sadness and misery.

Such is the universal law of nature.

Day follows night. Fathers beget sons.

The apple not only falls close to the tree

the apple is the tree.

Seeds of kindness watered with smiles

must produce flowers of happiness and joy."

Thank you Kirby, Mary Lou and Wayne, for watering my heart with generosity kindness and smiles. Surely the cycle continues. :)

Much love and light

Lindsey xoxo

Night lights and the massage reflex flow-ology

Cloud lightening late one night...

I started massage school just about a month ago...actually we have entered our sixth week. I love it. It feels amazing, it feels like I've stepped into a past life, like I am just a conduit for massage. I just comes thru me, effortless. Being in school is awesome too, I'm totally in love with learning, always. Even when I'm not in school I look for lessons in every little thing. Especially the things my mind thinks I don't want to do. The dishes...as soon as I have that thought that I would just like to put the dishes on the counter, I put them in the dishwasher. (most of the time)

I also met up with some most beautiful women to learn Reflexology. Quite interesting. The day was so beautiful and the learning was free flow and outside in the sun we practiced on each other. Foot rubs that were more like soul rubs (get it?!) Beautiful women, lavender, delicious lunch, reflexology, loveology and connections pretty sure I met a soul sister too...Magic Mama. Our lovely leader Jody Hagedorn was an excellent teacher and pretty rockin cook! She reminds me of the beauty of summertime, it's in her smile. Kelly absorbent as a sponge she is ready to just heal out!

Lots of beautiful night happenings of late. Super moon, wonderful spring storms. My favorite the frogs. 

 It was after a rain

night had come.

Along my trip home,

lay a nook in the woods

where the frogs reside. 

They sing for the moon.

rain song,

rhythm of night

united soul sound

chirps ringing...

croaks floating...

a smile creeps across my face

peace in my heart

metta frogs.

I captured the rhythm on my phone, a small bit of nature metta.

Smile for the frogs.

xoxo

in pictures

Well hello again! Its been a spell. Far too long...Grandmother Spider was reminding me many weeks ago when she crawled on my face one night, then the next night brought a light colored friend to visit as well, they hung out on the window sill above my bed. One dark one light. So for Spider I write!

Creating....

I'm not sure if you remember this blue bag, I made it for a beautiful wonderful friend in North Carolina, it was for her daughter for her birthday. She contacted me a while ago and exclaimed she wanted one too just like Natalie's but a little bigger. I was excited, I knew instantly what fabric I would use, one that reminded me of Paige. She loved it!! <3

Hand drawn and embroidered

 Worms...

 Did I ever tell you I have worms?? I do! And they make magical poo! These bins started with a hand full of soil and a mound of newspaper, and I slowly added chopped up food that I didn't want to eat, and the worms made it into yummy nutrient filled soil! However I need to rework my design, some escape to their demise on the cement floor... :(

The snow is gone! And the grass is GREEN!

My little altar that sits atop my window sill above my head as I sleep

Ferns sprouting in the Wisconsin woods

I went for a nice hike in the woods with a great friend and we spotted these ferns sprouting up everywhere! It was wonderful to be out in the woods, and it was such a beautiful day. I need to remember to make sure I get lots of outside time!

I have also recently started school again. I didn't think I would ever go back to school after college. But this is different, I am studying to be a massage therapist. It's so wonderful, I absolutely love being able to be so close with people gently communicating with their bodies to help them heal. Touch is so amazing, giving and receiving massages is a meditative practice for me as well. When receiving a massage I have to focus repeatedly reminding myself to relax, let go. I am always holding some muscle in tension. I feel love flowing when I give massages, warm and golden.

<3<3

-L

paintings and nature magic

This is an old friend I wanted to update you on. I started the "quadropus" when I was in North Carolina. So it has been a long process so far. I just wanted to give you a little pictorial tour of the changes its been through.

This orange phase was the under painting. I like do do under painting so that when I paint the final colors on top some of the colors underneath can show through.

 This Phase was the background painting. You can see some of the orange pokes thru the green blue background. If you could see this in person the orange is very firy and red like a burning sunset.

 I had a hard time trying to decide how to finish this one. I paint relatively fast and I tend to not have a whole lot of patience for tedious details. (which is kind of ironic...) I ended up having a lightening strike moment. I do have patience for embroidery and its tiny details. So of course I had to put them together!

I remember having a distinct vision of what the little suction cups would look like when they got embroidered. I have a clear vision for a few of the other details as well. The quadropus is a work in progress very slow progress! I love it!

This monarch I just recently finished. He (yes its a he!) sat patiently as I tended to sewing. I actually originally didn't like how the background had turned out so I set him aside. (do we see a pattern here... apparently my paintings need time outs before they get finished!) I felt so happy as I painted the wings. I could just feel the joy pouring from my heart. 

This is my little Goldfinch friend. She came about right after the monarch. I had her drawn on the piece of hard board and just went straight to it after the monarch. 

She was a visitor about a month ago, she came to visit me 3 times (did i tell you this?) right before I headed to the Midwest Shamanic Gathering. I looked up what she meant in my Animal Speak book, and in short she was awakening me to the Nature Spirits. I was so excited! When I say she visited me she landed on my window twice, barely gripping to the trim on the outside as she peered inside. The first occasion I was singing in the shower and stepped out of the bathroom still singing and she was perched there listening. The second morning i was sitting on my pillow meditating and I heard a small noise on the window, she had come back again! The third visit I was talking with my uncle in the living room and saw a flutter high in the window sure enough she was there! 

A day or so before this all had happened I had discovered an old feather I had found while in California. It was crumpled and kinked up from being smashed in a pocket in my backpack. I showed it to my squeeze and we both determined that it was probably a turkey feather. I set it on my window sill (yep the same window where Goldfinch landed!). After my visits with Goldfinch I took the feather and others with me to the Shamanic Gathering, where they lay in a net in my tent all weekend. On Friday night I attended a sweat lodge, which was amazing! That night I had a glowing vision of feathers as if backlit by a bright white light. I scratched out a picture and proceeded to be serenaded by a thunderstorm all night. Then on Monday when I was packing up my things I pulled out my feathers and as I grabbed my 'turkey' feather my first thought was that it looked like a hawk feather, and my second realization was that it look like it was in almost perfect condition! Over the weekend the feather had been healed. The extra funny thing was that I hadn't touched it all weekend! I wish I had a before picture, it had at least 2 kinks in it and was bent into a "c' shape.

Happy Nature magic! Keep your eyes open it's happening all the time!

Much Love!

L

And I almost forgot! Check out my Etsy shop there are a few new listings!!

humbled

So poignant that my post following one encouraging Bee-ing happy is filled with frustration. I currently am floating in a mood of frustration. I am home with my family whom I love and have even found someone I am a lottle sweet on, which tends to add to my frustration. I can't help but feel like a burden, and a huge money suck. Let me lay it out for you, as simply as I know how to.  I came home, my dad fixed my car, my mom bought me clothes, I eat my aunt and uncle's food and live in their house. This boy I'm sweet on has a friggin' heart of gold, and also won't have me paying for things. I have no job, in the traditional sense (this may lead to another post...). And I probably have one too many hobbies.... (sound of giant vacuum sucking up a pile of sand...with a lego caught in the spinning brush) Mix into that the classic, what am I doing with my life!? That recipe sounds a little like worthless soup with a side of frustration and a lego SANDwich. (< hah get it? the sand and lego from before right?!! (note to self: research career in comedy.))

 Worthless like a big ol' homeless, jobless leech. (with an incredible sense of humor) But I guess leeches even have a purpose, they can suck the life back into a body part that had been accidently removed right? (trying to convince myself here)

I feel HUMBLED looking at all these words. I really do appreciate the frustration, it makes me squirm a little and brings about change. It will push me to make decisions. 

But I still feel guilt.  Lets explore this.


Guilt, as I would describe it feels like weight on my heart. Like parts of it are made of lead making it heavy and sluggish. The lead was ammo of the mind, now poisoning the body. (making me feel yucky!) Life filled blood being pumped through a lead heart. (double yucky) In response, a poem.

Magic Mind is Heavy Heart?

Thoughts; non existent, but heavy like lead.

Shot aimed for the Heart, fingering the trigger. 

The mind a skilled marksman. 

Fire!

Guilt nails the target, frustration and worthlessness follow suit.

Ripping into the love and light of Heart.

Mind keeps up the resistance. 

Pounding at Heart.

Heart keeps pumping, peacefully accepting its fate.

Breath focuses presently, softening the blow:

One moment at a time, one breath at a time.

A divine light is shown, lifts the weight. 

There is no lead, no shot to the Heart. 

Mind is a magician, an illusionist.

The lead is no heavier than a bubble.

Let it float away, 

popping in the light.

releasing the heart.

The mind is very powerful, capable of coercing physical reactions to thoughts. Fascinating, and frustrating. But I choose to accept and observe my frustration. After all its just a sensation. It's just there temporarily. It will pass. I just have to breathe and be. 

Thanks for listening, feels good to get that out. Sometimes I think I'm going to scare people when I share my feelings. So there it is. Take it as you will; be scared, spit on your computer, do a dance, make a face, ask questions, or remind me comedy is not a good career move. I will just enjoy the fact that my heart feels just a little bit lighter :) And even though my jokes are lame, they still make me smile and laugh! haha! (touché lame comedy haters!) I also revel in how easily entertained I am...hah. I bid you adieu!

Feel the love, spread smiles!

"Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there on the other side of the clouds."

-Eckhart Tolle

xoxo 

Messengers

I feel I have always had what I call a soft spot for animals whether they are two, four, six or even eight or million legged. They capture my attention and fascinate me....beautiful beings. I have started to learn they are bearers of messages. Reminders for us to be aware. Reminders and guides. Their intelligence is not one from books it's inherent, intuitive and wise. I don't feel yet I can share with you their magic maybe soon. For now I will share my encounters.

Butterflies

I met this beautiful Monarch at a butterfly house at Beaver Creek Reserve. It wasn't the best day for butterflies I was told. Of course I decided to venture out anyway. I locked right onto this one struggling on a plastic sign cover. I stretched my hand out and it crawled right on. We spent quite some time together before it decided to fly over to a nearby milkweed plant. I remember the great sense of power I felt as it crawled on my hand. For such a weightless creature it had an incredible grasp!

Red Spotted Purple

This is another friend from the butterfly house. I collected another of its kind in my garage. My mom had pulled out her car to give it a scrub, and in its place were two treasures. One perfect little Pink Edged Sulfur and a Red Spotted Purple, who was a little worse for the wear. They unfortunately had met their end, though I touched the Purple and it began to flap its wing, slowly open and closed. I stayed and watched quietly as my parents shuffled about, my dad peering over obviously wondering what I was doing. I showed him the flapping butterfly. He commented something about a butterfly healer haha. I would be so honored! After I was sure the Purple had passed I picked them up and inspected. I couldn't believe the Purple had been able to flap...only had one good pair of wings on one side the other side was crumpled as well as I believe it was missing many organs....a special moment.

Aphrodite Fritillary

 I was out for a bike ride with my Auntie the other day, and of course as always had my animal spotting eyes on. After about 10 miles I hadn't noticed much. Then on my way down the hill I saw what I thought may be a Swallowtail traipsing in its bouncing flight pattern across the road. I sailed closer just to  have a friendly collision on my shirt. It really didn't seem to noticed and continued on his way. We should all be so calm and accepting of surprise situations!

Cope's Gray Treefrog

This little friend my mom found hanging out on our house. Just a little bigger than a quarter.

This is my parents resident Gray Fox. It lives in the back yard, we've seen it often leaving the den and returning about two hours later near dusk sometimes with prey. So beautiful. My dad also had a Fox and pups living under a shed at his auto shop! Maybe he has a fox totem animal? They sure seem to like him. I let my dog Jack outside one morning about 4:30 am and heard the strangest "Arf" noise...it was the fox with its territorial call!

Jack also woke me up early to see the mist burning off the lake. He's a great friend :)

Have you experienced any animal magic lately or do you have a totem animal? I would love to hear about it!

xoxo

L

the buzzing of bees and flowering of consciousness

As I sit here I have the images of our garden flowers etched in my mind. Something about those cute Chamomile flowers reflects this bounding happiness within me. Flowers are somehow very connected to me........ perhaps we vibrate at similar frequencies (if you read this last line about frequencies and are perplexed, think of it this way, all matter is made of atoms right? and those little atoms have electrons zipping around outside of them (yes) so isn't all matter essentially moving or vibrating!?....i know right!?). Like feeling the buzz of bees right down in your heart. I can feel this buzzing sensation easily in my hands, try this: close your eyes, and see if you can feel your hands....not picture or imagine but actually FEEL them ....can you feel it, the aliveness and vibrations?

There is usually a flurry of winged creatures busily dancing about the blooms. Maybe I was a bee in a past life? It could explain my attraction to bright colors and flowers! ha Well I took a few pictures maybe you too can get a sense for my flower love :)

If you haven't you should click on the picture to enlarge them and see more detail.

 The Borage flower is beloved by bees, but check out that iridescent green guy..or gal!

German Chamomile

Candy Stripe Cosmos

Backside of the most beautiful purple Gladiolus!

Here's her face! Ms. Gladiolus! You may
recognize her from my tattoo!

Nodding Borage buds. Just waiting
to flash their blue petals.

Pink Zinnias! I love those
raggedy ones!

White Polar Bear Zinnia

Our Sugar Snap spoils! yum!

Baby Red Bell pepper

Bell Pepper flower, so beautiful!

How many cayenne's do you see?

The Tomato forest :)

Clouds have been very grounding for me....maybe the opposite of grounding. I'm not sure, but they remind me of the expanse of the universe and that I needn't get caught up in trivial matters....we (humans) are so tiny, yet can cause much change.... 

I look at them in awe and then become still, my mind empties.

I can feel the expanse of the sky.

My mind is rendered void and spacious.

Flowing with the currents of the universe.

Liberation.

Vipassana Cliff Notes

I decided that my last post was ridinkypants, as in wayyyy too long! Sorry about that! I will now put together some of my favorite points for you. If you are at all interested in seeing a bit of what I did please netflix or check out The Dhamma Brothers Dorian and I watched it the other night and it was wonderful.

Now for the favorite insights and quotes:

• Observe Objectively. 
• Observe Respiration and Sensation.
• Remain Equanimous. (balanced and calm)
• EVERYTHING is subject to the law of Dhamma (nature)
• EVERYTHING is IMPERMANENT "anicca, annica, annica" [pronounced ah nee chay] (ever notice how things claiming to be perminent are not i.e. permanent markers and permanent hair color!!?? yeah... I know)
• The four Noble Truths:
• the fact of suffering
• the origin of suffering (craving)
• the cessation of suffering
• the path leading to the cessation of suffering
• YOU are 100% responsible for your reactions and emotional well being. 
• The 3 roots of all mental defilements
• craving
• aversion
• ignorance

The following are some of the things that really stuck with me:

• Our minds like to live in the past and the future. Times that don't exist. It's obvious that the future doesn't exist and the past has already happened. Vipassana is meant to break our minds of those conditioned habits, to teach us to live in the now. The now is the only time anything ever happens in.
• Planting a seed of anger in yourself will sprout a plant of anger. This plant will then produce the fruit of anger. The fruit contain many many more seeds than the single seed that was planted. Then those seeds are planted and thus begins the process of multiplication of anger. 
• Negative actions by yourself means you had to plant a seed of anger within yourself to grow and multiply in order to give that negative reaction to someone else. And you have thus created a deep saṅkhāra [reaction/mental conditioning] within YOU.
• Just as if someone brings you a gift and you do not accept, the gift stays with that person. So too with negativity. You can choose to NOT accept that person's gift of negativity and it will stay with them. 
• "The secret to success is continuity of practice"

This last statement carries so much truth. It is easy to be calm and equanimous from the meditation cushion, much more difficult amongst others. 

I have had a difficult transition. I felt I understood the practice and did well while at the Vipassana center, where we sat for 10 hours a day. Now back here in a town that I tend to have a distaste for, it has become challenging to sit for two hours a day.  Luckily I have Dorian to sit with, and I have started to realize how important those two hours are. If I am able to be happy that happiness is very easily shared with others.  Which is in all honestly all I ever really wanted to be....cue tangent:

What do you want to be when you grow up?

 I was in middle school and we were doing all of those fun 'career' testings, projecting what we would be good at in the future. [looking back at this it seems really ridiculous...I was maybe 12 years old and half and half of my lifetime I probably don't remember...] I remember having a really hard time with them. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. It seemed to change on a whim.... After a while I realized that these career testing things were useless for me. It really didn't matter what I did, just as long as I was HAPPY. Since then I have always told people that I wanted to be happy when I grew up. Now having gone thru Vipassana everything just makes a lot more sense.

Well anyway, now I can't really remember where I was at before this tangent took place so I will leave you with this.

May you share my love, my peace, my harmony and my liberation.

Smiles happiness and metta ❤

Wonderful Vipassana! Observe your breath and focus this is a long one!

Of COURSE during my 10 day Vipassana course I was contemplating what I would write you all...Then I thought, "i have no use for this now, i must learn the technique now!" or else I would have nothing to tell but that I was thinking about what to tell you the whole time..... and that wouldn't be a very informative post.

This statement is actually very accurate of the teachings of Vipassana. You have to be present experiencing reality as it is, without your mind constructing and reacting to things, because you will miss what is actually happening in reality.

The course is taught by S. N. Goenka on video/audio. There are also assistant teachers present for the course to answer questions and check in with you.

 I'll add a list of glossary terms too, such wonderful Pali words. (Pali is the language at the time of the Buddha, it's mostly a dead language at this point but resembles Sanskrit) Do not take any of this as a teaching, if you are very interested in this I insist that you check out the Vipassana site and sign up for a 10 day course it's the best and only way to truly understand the technique. This is just what happened in my personal experience and should have no comparison to anyone else's experience. We all have our own path of dhamma, no two walk the same path.

I apologize in advance for errors and an incoherence.... ask lots of questions! ❤

The Timetable

4 am

I wake up to get into the Dhamma hall for the 4:30 am meditation. I practiced Anapana and observed respiration while sitting cross legged. We were allowed to shift positions when we became uncomfortable. There was usually chanting by S. N. Goenka to start off or end or both start and end this meditation. The chanting was to introduce good vibrations to the room and were encouraging descriptions recited in Pali.

6:30 am - 8 am

Breakfast of oatmeal and stewed prunes, cereals, yogurt and fruit. Then we could head back to our rooms for rest or shower still continuously observing respiration. 

8 am - 9 am

Group mediation in the hall

9 am - 11 am

Instructions are given as to whom (old vs new students) will stay and meditate with the teachers and whom may go to mediate at their residential quarters. I usually stayed.

11 am - 12 pm

Lunch. Vegetarian meals with salad and fruit.

12 pm - 1 pm

Rest time or if you signed up for an interview with the teacher you waited for your turn. I took rest or walked around outside.

1 pm - 2:30 pm

Meditate in the hall or your room. 

2:30 pm - 3:30 pm

Group meditation in the hall.

3:30 pm - 5 pm

Meditate in the hall or your room according to teacher instruction.

5 pm - 6 pm

Tea break. We got fruit and tea for dinner.

6 pm - 7 pm

Group Meditation in the hall.

7 pm - 8:15 pm

Teacher's discourse where we watched S. N. Goenka on video explain the technique and give stories.

8:15 pm - 9 pm

Group Meditation in the hall.

9 pm - 9:30 pm

You could stay and ask questions of the assistant teachers if you had them or retire to your room. I usually headed back to my room.

Pre Course

I arrived at the Southeast Vipassana Center in Jesup, GA round about 2:30 pm. Yea sounds about right for GA....( I get a kick out of the back country sound of the word Jesup :) especially when pronounced with a southern accent) The center was down a dirt road which in my opinion is always good. I wasn't sure if we were able to talk to people (I apparently took the instructions very literally and seriously!) but upon arriving in the registration building we were allowed to talk. I was assigned a bunk and moved my things in and surrendered my contraband: keys, phones, listening things, books etc. I was actually pleased to hand them over and excited, there was no doubt in my mind that I would be wanting to leave. 

The location was beautiful, there was a pond and nature walking paths. The men and women were separated once the course began which was later this evening. 

We had dinner and an orientation about how everything is run, like showers during rest times, a little about the Noble Silence vow we were going to take and staying in course boundaries. With that we headed to the Dhamma hall to be assigned our meditation cushions. I was so excited and ready for silence. 

We got in the Dhamma hall and watched a video of S. N. Goenka who explained the five precepts we were going to take and why they were important. 

To Abstain from:

1 killing any being

2 stealing

3 all sexual activity

4 telling lies

5 all intoxicants

We also took the vow of Noble Silence which was very very important. Noble Silence is silence of the body, speech and mind. Any form of communication between students is prohibited such as: gestures, sign language, written notes, etc. Basically we stared at everyone's feet, tried not to make eye contact. I couldn't help myself though, I watched people....You could get such a wonderful sense for people in silence just from how they carried themselves. Throughout the course I could feel which people were struggling. 

The Course

The first three days we studied the Anapana technique which involves you objectively observing your respiration thru your nose. We were then instructed to focus down to the area below the nostrils and above the upper lip and focus on the sensation there of the air moving past or any other type of sensation, and as always observe OBJECTIVELY, meaning without a reaction. 

 I felt a kind of tingling or pulsating feeling that would appear in different areas. Sometimes I could feel the gentle breath passing over the area right below my nostrils. I think this may have been one of the days I struggled to keep focused, I felt tired and was head bobbing and mind wandering. Luckily at one point our assistant teacher announced, "STAY ALERT, STAY ALERT" shattering the dull hum in the hall frightening me awake for a bit. I may have headed back to my room at one point to give my knees a break, so I sat on the edge of my bed and continued the practice which helped (on this day). We were allowed about 5 minute breaks between hours to get up and stretch.

I was a bit frustrated because of perceived 'poor' mediation and that I wasn't able to stay alert and focused, but during the discourse I realized that that tired feeling wasn't a feeling at all. It was my mind whispering, "oh, I'm so tired it would be nice to go lay down. I did not sleep well last night I should take a nap. This is sooo boring!" I was without realizing convincing myself I was tired and distracting my attention from practicing. I felt better knowing this truth and my mind felt sharper better able to catch the lazy wandering habits of my mind.

This Anapana stage works as a whetstone, to sharpen your mind to its ingrained habits of distracting you from experiencing the real present moment. My mind likes to wander and explore creative endeavors and rehash the past and project into the future.

S. N. Goenka explains the habit patterns of our minds live only in the past and the future. Learning these meditation techniques helps you bring your mind to the present reality and into peace and liberation.

Day four was Vipassana day, half the day we practiced anapana then in the afternoon we learned the Vipassana technique. This technique to put it very shortly and while leaving out a ton of important info: you begin to observe sensations throughout the body starting at the top of your head and moving part by part down your body to the tips of your toes. We are also told that there will be three one hour sittings from now on that will be sittings of strong determination or adhiṭṭhāna. Meaning we will not be able to open our eyes, hands, or legs for one hour. This isn't a means of torture but to practice remaining equanimous and balanced in the face of what your mind perceives as "pain" and associates a negative feeling toward as well as adding to our virtues or pāramīs. Because essentially that pain is only a sensation, our minds just construct a negative reaction to it. This too goes for positive feelings, we should not become attached to them and crave them. 

Two of the five hindrances I remember very well are kāmacchanda--craving and vyāpāda--aversion. To me they are like positive and negative, wanting for good and aversion to bad. 

While we learned the technique I chose to not move. I ended up sitting rather still only moving to straighten my back or tip my head for an hour and a half.  I was having extreme intense pain in my knees and lower legs, they were pounding and frozen and on fire and numb all at the same time. There were definitely times my mind told me to move my legs but I was able to stay put.  Because I remembered anicca—impermanence, that EVERYTHING is impermanent and constantly changing.  So too this feeling would arise and pass away, the feeling itself was not solid but moving pulsating arising, getting stronger and then a break. It was so beautiful to observe this sensation as it was instead of breaking down into screams of pain which magnify and intensify the pain.

This day was good, all days were good, all days were constantly changing and challenging. 

Day six: this was one day Goenka said people are prone to 'run away.' I could understand why. I struggled. I woke up already my mind was not wanting to go and meditate. I took some deep breaths and headed to the hall where, I struggled for hours, it seemed my mind was wandering  more than previous and I couldn't keep track of it. I felt frustrated, I was out of balance, tipping in the way of negativity. I was very relieved by the breaks during the day, I tried moving to my room for a change to see if that would help. it didn't. I tried to remember my instructions but I resented the voice of Goenka a bit...I was feeling grumpy. My mind convinced me I was grumpy and that some external circumstance had made me grumpy. No, no environmental circumstance is the cause of dukka--suffering. I knew the trouble was my doing, it was due to my thoughts, my reactions to my thoughts. The discourse that night helped clarify and re-energize me for the next day.

Day seven: this day I felt a little more inspired, the days seemed to pick up pace, ha the numbers were nearing ten! I had to make sure I wasn’t trying to focus on the future and keep my head in my practice.

Day eight: Goenka had told us the night before that we had only two more days to work seriously. This was one of them. Knowing this helped me stay focused and do serious hard work. One of the more difficult thoughts to come in my head was time….when will this be done…I hope Goenka starts chanting soon. I think this feeling was compounded by the fact that I had a lingering pounding feeling in my head and by the evening sit it was migraine-al, including subtle waves of nausea. I focused on the feeling when I was surveying my head but when I was on other parts of my body I focused hard on that part and the migraine feeling subdued a bit, I also focused on my breath which was a bit irregular and kept hoping to hear Goenka.  There was a certain phrase Goenka would say that basically signified the meditation was coming to an end. Though it took me till about the sixth day to figure out the cue phrase and what it meant. Bhavatu sabba maṅgalaṃ—May all beings be happy! Then we could respond if we liked with, sādhu, sādhu, sādhu—well said, well done; we agree we share this wish. And I did :). 

Day nine: Very wonderful!! Our last serious work day we continued with Vipassana and learned either this day or the day before to sweep from the top of our head and simultaneously and symmetrically arms legs etc down to our toes then back up in the same manner. I got this really well on my extremities but lacked sensation on my trunk. So then after a couple sweeps you keep going part by part to try to open up the blind spots.

Day ten: Mettā day!

This day we learned how to share mettā which is selfless love. We focused on the subtle sensations throughout our bodies and filled our bodies and minds with thoughts of love and goodwill to others.  We were then released from our Noble silence. I was very hesitant to talk at the beginning. Most people got up to see the mettā day display, I stayed in the Dhamma hall until the lunch bell rang, I was having a productive sit and didn’t want to stop.  After the bell rang my roommate said hello and it was over! Time to chatter! Noble chatter of course! This day was full of laughter, sharing of experiences, yummy food and healing from our deep operations we had performed on our minds. At the next meditation my forehead flutterd and popped with thumping pressure and I experienced flashing lights when I closed my eyes. The talking and chatter had overstimulated.  It settled after a bit and I fell right into Vipassana. We then practiced a bit of mettā at the end, I could only hold it for a couple minutes so then I went back to anapana. The same thing happened later, I came in with lots of energy and it showed up as a popcorn feeling in my frontal lobe and eyeballs. It was a good healing day. Later that night though we were to refrain from touching each other I got a haircut….a much needed haircut from wonderful Tye! We stayed up a bit late and filled our hearts with love and shared stories of life it was beautiful. And we did the majority of our cleaning. We all had trouble falling asleep…but managed a few hours before the 4 am wake up bell.

Day Eleven: Our last day, so exciting!  I was pleased to know I would be heading back to hug Dorian and pet little Bella Sue. I kept my focus though and knew it would come in time. I was also very excited that I had a buddy for my ride home, Fauna. Fauna’s friend whom had brought her down to the center from Charlotte had left on the first day!(that had to have an effect on her mind all ten days!) So I told her I would bring her home, we worked it out so that her friend would meet us and take her from basically my place to back to Charlotte. We had a wonderful long talk and exchanged much information. The 6 hour ride went by very quickly with such wonderful company! The driving was a little too much to handle….Fauna had the job of reading the signs…I could not comprehend... too much stimuli after being in a dimly lit Dhamma hall for ten days! 

Dorian had left me a lovely message on my phone welcoming me back to the ‘real world’ though he said maybe he should have called it the ‘fake world’ hah. Well, I finally made it home and got my hugs and wished Dorian a happy birthday! I felt exhausted! I shuffled around wearily and got to sitting. After our last discourse earlier in the day and talking with Fauna I realized I had been visualizing while I was meditating, which isn’t neccisarrily bad meditation but not in line with vipassana. So I had to stop the visualizations, I had thought visualizations applied only to religious symbols or shapes, but no it was all visualizations. I had been visualizing my body and a band of light passing over it….still not good. Needless to say, I was tired and really just wanted to sleep so the sit didn’t go well, I was cross. It was difficult to not visualize, a very strong habit of mine from being an artist. I build up and take things apart in my head, dream up artwork and solve sewing situations.  My mind habits appeared strong but I made it!

I have decided to rid myself of the visualizations I should head back to anapana and re-sharpen my tool. I am pleased, I feel calm and peaceful. It's a wonderful feeling, I hope you may feel it too. I hope you have lots of questions!! Leave comments and I will do my best to answer them. May you share my happiness, peace and love!

Bhavatu sabba maṅgalaṃ!

Glossary and some of my other favorite terms (I'll give you my best guess at pronunciation)

Dhamma [damma]: the law of nature; the teaching of an enlightened person; the way to liberation

Buddha [booda]: anyone who is fully enlightened

Adhiṭṭhāna [ahhditaana]: strong determination

Mettā [metta]: selfless love

Anicca [aneechay]: impermanence 

Saṅgha [sahngha]: anyone who has practiced Dhamma and has become a pure-minded, saintly person

Bhavatu sabba maṅgalaṃ [buhwadu sawa mangalam]: May all beings be happy!

Three Trainings:

Sīla [sheela]: morality

Samādhi [samadi]: concentration, mastery of the mind

Paññā [panya]: wisdom, insight that purifies the mind