humbled

So poignant that my post following one encouraging Bee-ing happy is filled with frustration. I currently am floating in a mood of frustration. I am home with my family whom I love and have even found someone I am a lottle sweet on, which tends to add to my frustration. I can't help but feel like a burden, and a huge money suck. Let me lay it out for you, as simply as I know how to.  I came home, my dad fixed my car, my mom bought me clothes, I eat my aunt and uncle's food and live in their house. This boy I'm sweet on has a friggin' heart of gold, and also won't have me paying for things. I have no job, in the traditional sense (this may lead to another post...). And I probably have one too many hobbies.... (sound of giant vacuum sucking up a pile of sand...with a lego caught in the spinning brush) Mix into that the classic, what am I doing with my life!? That recipe sounds a little like worthless soup with a side of frustration and a lego SANDwich. (< hah get it? the sand and lego from before right?!! (note to self: research career in comedy.))

 Worthless like a big ol' homeless, jobless leech. (with an incredible sense of humor) But I guess leeches even have a purpose, they can suck the life back into a body part that had been accidently removed right? (trying to convince myself here)

I feel HUMBLED looking at all these words. I really do appreciate the frustration, it makes me squirm a little and brings about change. It will push me to make decisions. 

But I still feel guilt.  Lets explore this.


Guilt, as I would describe it feels like weight on my heart. Like parts of it are made of lead making it heavy and sluggish. The lead was ammo of the mind, now poisoning the body. (making me feel yucky!) Life filled blood being pumped through a lead heart. (double yucky) In response, a poem.

Magic Mind is Heavy Heart?

Thoughts; non existent, but heavy like lead.

Shot aimed for the Heart, fingering the trigger. 

The mind a skilled marksman. 

Fire!

Guilt nails the target, frustration and worthlessness follow suit.

Ripping into the love and light of Heart.

Mind keeps up the resistance. 

Pounding at Heart.

Heart keeps pumping, peacefully accepting its fate.

Breath focuses presently, softening the blow:

One moment at a time, one breath at a time.

A divine light is shown, lifts the weight. 

There is no lead, no shot to the Heart. 

Mind is a magician, an illusionist.

The lead is no heavier than a bubble.

Let it float away, 

popping in the light.

releasing the heart.

The mind is very powerful, capable of coercing physical reactions to thoughts. Fascinating, and frustrating. But I choose to accept and observe my frustration. After all its just a sensation. It's just there temporarily. It will pass. I just have to breathe and be. 

Thanks for listening, feels good to get that out. Sometimes I think I'm going to scare people when I share my feelings. So there it is. Take it as you will; be scared, spit on your computer, do a dance, make a face, ask questions, or remind me comedy is not a good career move. I will just enjoy the fact that my heart feels just a little bit lighter :) And even though my jokes are lame, they still make me smile and laugh! haha! (touché lame comedy haters!) I also revel in how easily entertained I am...hah. I bid you adieu!

Feel the love, spread smiles!

"Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there on the other side of the clouds."

-Eckhart Tolle

xoxo